Monday, June 9, 2008

I Contain Multitudes!

It's entirely typical of me that, at 9 weeks of pregnancy, I've decided I missed too much, forget it, it's too late to start blogging about Sluggo. It's so OVER.

I'm fighting that impulse and starting now.

I'll circle back and start at the beginning:

My official first-day-of-pg is April Fool's Day, 2008, much to my mother's chagrin. I happen to know I actually conceived on April 10, in my doctor's office, with my babydaddy many miles away, sitting at his desk and unaware (specifically) of the Barry White music playing in my uterus (having dropped off his "requirement" early that morning). I implanted a few days later, probably at my cousin's youngest son's bar mitzvah, on Wilshire. By all rights it shouldn't have worked, because my uterus and I are Methuselah.

My first symptom was a weird pain around my uterus. That girl has always been tilted a bit off-kilter, like the rest of me; I can only assume that, upon finally learning she was in use, she decided to straighten up and fly right. I can only hope the rest of me follows suit. For Sluggo's sake.

My other symptoms have been: unbearable fatigue, a preternatural ability to achieve deep sleep in zero seconds, an astounding well of ridiculously heated sexual passion, and a great love of fig newtons.

Oh, and diarrhea.

One more thing: My friend S, who is a great mom and has been through the fertility wringer, so it is doubly impressive and wonderful that she lets me go on and on about my peegee, asked me what it was like, and then sent back my answer so I could save it in my baby diary. Well, this is the closest I am getting to a baby diary, so here it is:

so hard to describe. i am reading a vampire book right now so i keep saying it is like i just drank blood for the first time. I feel really energetic and amazing and also like I would kill someone who threatened me (and therefore Sluggo) in any way. I have a heartbeat inside me that I made, and that makes me feel all-powerful. i feel sad that i waited so long. i just feel like YEAH, i'm amazing! i contain multitudes, fuckers! You're all assholes because I have a universe in my tummers!

it's very very very strange, i feel like i want to run through the streets and also lie down quietly and grow things.

i feel hyper and overjoyed.

i told you it was weird.

it's like when you first have sex and your'e like "HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS BEFORE." or the first time you get stoned. or the first time you fall in love. but not like all-consuming like that. my baseline is just very different, smooth, well-oiled, i think i feel confident.

like i said, weird. i will DENY all this when it passes, by the way. ;)

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