Saturday, August 23, 2008

In which we note that my nipples have gone insane.

This is definitely TMI, unless you are like me and have no boundaries.

The fact is, I've always had big nipples -- meaning they're round and sit atop my breasts like insistent raspberries, rather than lying flat like like polite little umbrellas. And now they are growing even bigger at an alarming rate. And they are leaking something, which gets crusty, so all last week they were rock-hard and painful as hell. You think you're squeamish reading this? I could barely stand to handle them; I'd poke gingerly at them in the shower, but the crust extended deep into the tiny holes that are, evidently, in there, so in a complete nightmare situation, it looks for all the world like frigging squiggly little worms were poking out of my precious boob-hats.

I am in my 21st week, people. This is still my second trimester, right? I mean, yes, I have always been an over-achiever who does things ahead of schedule. I was reading at three (so says my mom, anyway), I read Beowulf for a sixth-grade book report, and I arrived at college having placed out of all my 101 classes. But this is a bit much!

Someone finally suggested Lansinoh, recommended by La Leche League -- pure lanolin, I guess? It's imposible to handle -- never, never comes off the fingers. Like tar, but soothing. It's amazing. I glop it on after the shower and before bed, and ahh! My old friends are returned to normal. Sort of.

I got these little gel pasties, too, so it doesn't get all over my poor, abused bras. Of course, for a day I was walking around with the pasties in my bra AND still in the plastic holders they were shipped in, which I was supposed to peel them out of, but I am not an engineer, for God's sake!

Thanks to other advice, I also give said nipples a little tweak after they get their lanolin treatment. I know that sounds utterly bizarre, but I heard this from more than one person, I swear! It is, however, insane and weird. I told my husband I was doing this, and he said, "Oh! So that's why I hear you after your shower, yelling 'oh brad pitt!'"

And I was like "Brad Pitt?!"

And he said, "Yeah, and then you yell, 'Oh George Clooney! Oh, Matt Damon! Oh, everyone else from Oceans 13... oh, other Affleck brother! oh, James Caan's son! Oh, Carl Reiner!'"

So now when I tweak my lanolinned nipples I think of the 2000 Year Old Man.

Sometimes I really despair for this poor child.

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